80 46.

Apparently if you

1. start experiencing uber-dizzy spells and see black spots whenever you stand up,
2. and feel as if the world is spinning when you try to change your sleeping position in the middle of the night and it gets so bad you feel like puking,
3. and take your blood pressure and these two numbers appear after the final beep on the machine,

you're doomed.

Those numbers are evil. They trigger the 'crazy woman' gene in your mom and cause her to exclaim aloud and run around muttering to herself. That or she'll start handing out grapes and loads of raisins to you feverishly. Or both.

It was a miracle she didn't start feeding me like a baby with 'gaga' and 'googoo' sounds.

ACPM's dream; 2-16-14-4-15-6-10-7-1-8-3-11-13-9-17-18-5-12

Underneath the sheets.
My place.
Awkward, then awareness, comfortness.
Scooted over.
Ant with his retainers in car.
Arms around hips.
Norm, even convo.
'Kiss me.'
Mom's car, we sat.
Stopped play.
'This is the happiest day/This is a happy day'(?)
Mom drove down to park; introduction.
Out on a strange road.
You playing your favorite new/boring game.
Your cheek.
I napped, woke, and saw.
Girlfriends: none 'cept Thai - Tina? Tyna?
Manuevering your way at the wheel.
Such stuff that dreams are made of.
I hope I never wake up.

Like I'm invisible.

Guess I can't help again. Or even listen.

Don't cling to things; everything is impermanent.

'Learn to detach.'

But wait, aren't you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

'Yes.'

Well, how can you do that if you're detached?

'Ah. You're thinking. But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it.'

I'm lost.

'Take any emotion - love for a woman, or grief for a loved one. If you hold back on the emotions - if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.'

"But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'"


I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don't say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.

The approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "All right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is."

Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely - but eventually be able to say, "All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I'm not afraid of being lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well."


Detach.

It's been awhile.

Hello blogger, me, myself, and I again.

Present mood: Restless. If I were a cork, I'd pop!

Been tied down with family issues (not always my own), hospital visits, burning the Styles & Trends midnight oil every Wednesday night, liars, worrying concepts and !@#$%^&*() warring FMP zones - I'm beat.

Speaking of which, I've been worried sick about the FMP issue since we got wind of bad news last Tuesday. Can't help feeling all hopeless and anxious in a fling-myself-off-a-building way.

I'm serious.

I don't get why WE have to have a Plan B, especially since WE have been the ones who were serious with our concept since the beginning and have progressed so much beyond The Others. ARGHHHHHHHH. I reallllllllllllllly am worried. To the max. This is the final stretch. Our moment of glory and achievement. And before we can even climb halfway up the Ladder of Triumph some others just have to shoot us down first.

Not that we're down already. But in a sense I can't see any future in this anymore. This truly sucks. It blows. They blow.

Goddamn it. There's just no way to make it better unless they bow out. And I believe they should. But then again is there any way we can find a better idea than them? One that will beat them hands (and legs, and the rest of them) down.

This is absolute crap. GOD SAVE ME. SAVE US. GIVE US A DAMN SIGN.